alone again

I don't want to be one of those people that are constantly in a relationship. It doesn't matter if I tell myself that I need to be single, need to be alone...I still put myself in situations or become better friends with certain people that I know could be prospect boyfriends, why do I do that? A boyfriend is the last thing that I am thinking about, and is definately the very last thing I have time for, or the patience for. For whatever reason I feel as though I should be close to someone...yet I don't want a boyfriend. I don't know how to distinguish those feelings I guess. This journal is pointless....goodnight.

My favorite most daring Haircut EVER!!

So I know it might be a little hard to tell from this picture, but that's me on the left...not a guy. I cut all my long locks off the day after high school reunion, I guess I felt like it was some sort of liberation. Once again, you can't really tell from the picture,but this is the only picture I have of me when my hair was that short, but it was actually quite cute in reality. Wow, this picture brings back a lot of old memories....The picture below was a little while later after my hair was growing back, it was kinda of a nice length, but my hair was growing so fast, there was no way I was going to try to keep up with the maintanence to keep it short, nor did I have the money for a haircut every 3 weeks...

no time for reminiscing now, must get to sleep. I just got done with my last final of the quarter and I pulled an all nighter on Monday night, and than again on Wednesday night...so pretty much, my body is sooo over exhausted that I don't even feel tired...I know I'm going to feel it at my 8 AM hair appointment.

ta ta for now...

Bad Hair Cuts

So I was talking to my friends about really bad hair cuts, and I starting thinking of all the horrible hair cuts I've ever had, and I would have to say that This was the absolute worst one, especially considering the fact that I tried to trim my own hair and layer it around the front, and messed it up so bad that my hairdressor basically had to cut me bangs. It was horrible...as you can see!! Always good for some good laughs, after the fact of course!!

To You

I've never felt like this before. Feeling every emotion at once is a real experience that I didn't think would ever be possible. I feel angry, confused, upset, free, independent, scared, alone, blessed....all of the above. I don't think i've ever made a life decision that would change my life this much...or maybe it won't change my life as much as i'm expecting. It brings so many possibilities...so many different roads and doors to my life that were previously covered in cobwebs. Don't get me wrong...its not all good by any means. I lost my best friend. The person that has been closest to my heart for all of my college years; the person that I could always rely on to come through, the person that I knew would never let me down, for the most part. But there was something missing. Something wasn't there that I knew all along should be. I couldn't deceive him into thinking that I was the person for him, there someone out there that is much better, someone that will love him just as much as he loves them. Someone that has the same views and goals, someone that will make him that happiest man on earth, happier than he thought anyone could ever make him, happier than he was with me. I know it doesn't seem that way now, but one day he will meet her and understand what i've been trying to tell/show him all along. Things don't always go the way that you want them or expect them to go, but "God blessed the broken road..." and He will lead him to her. I beleive that God puts people in my live for a certain reason, every single person that touches my life has their purpose and I know that you are by far the most important so far with the most impact. You've taught me so much, about life, and about myself that I would have never known if it wasn't for you. I wish that, well with all that it's worth I wish we could still be best friends, but we both know that can't happen. Maybe if we met at a different time in our lives things would be different? Maybe we would be bestfriends then. There is one thing that I do know, I don't regret the time that we spent together, getting to know one another, learning from one another, growing into adults together. That is something I wouldn't change for the world.

Living my nightmare and dreaming my life

Today has been anything but okay. It has been hectic, surprising, devastating, lonely and depressing...one after the other, not quite that order but good enough. I woke up this morning with a sore...face? haha, well my ear and glands in my throat have been swollen for the past 2 days, so i decided to take my mother up on her advice and go to the Dr. before it got worse, so I wasn't sick on exam week...AGAIN. After waiting for over an hour I finally got in to see the Dr. only to find out that it wasn't an ear infection, but TMJ...which is like Jaw muscle tendenitis due to stress and such. Surprised about the TMJ? No, my mother has it. Surprised about the anxiety and stress? very much so. I'm not one to slow down and realize, hey I have all of this stress in my life and it might effect my health. Sure I complain about bills and work and I go out on the weekend to vent to my friends over a couple of drinks, but to be so stressed that it is effecting my health? I was very surprised about that. My Dr. began to ask me a series of questions such as my relationship with my boyfriend, school, work, bills, and my sleeping habits. Surprisingly...yet not so surprised at the same time, he pretty much told me that I am doing way too much, more than I can handle and it's starting to show. The reason I never noticed it before was because I like to stay busy...i'm used to having things to do. Now, i'm starting to not be able to sleep. I don't have problems sleeping, I have problems falling asleep, and once i'm asleep, I haven't been waking up. This is causing me to miss class, to be late to work, all sorts of things that I need to be doing that i'm missing. Not only that, but then I wake up tired, have no energy throughout the day, but can't seem to fall asleep the next night. It's a vicious cycle I must say. So my Dr. recommends staying with the boyfriend until exam week is over...i can't say that i disagree with that. Then he went on to say that i'm trying to juggle way to much and i should try to minimize that. Not like i really have a choice. So after my dr. appointment, i went to the labcorp clinic to do bloodwork, regular precedure....but i had to fast for 12 hours for it so i was completely exhausted today. on my way home i decided to have chipotle because I was so hungry and i haven't had it in a while. It was so good! I ended up falling asleep around 5 and didn't get up til 9. Missed another class ( i missed my morning class because i didn't get up to my alarm). I feel like i'm being completely irresponsible, but at the same time I feel like I could have a complete break down at anytime now. When I woke up, i had a couple of missed calls and called my sister back. Worst news possible...my cousin passed away today. She had internal bleeding which led to an emergency c-section and slipped into a coma. The baby is okay, but my cousin passed in her coma. I mean...what do you say to that? She left behind a newborn baby, husband, and a 14 year old daughter. As a beleiver.....I don't even know what to think about that. I mean that family has had sooo much to deal with already and it's like if everything is supposed to happen for a reason...when does the good stuff start happening. Well what I didn't mention earlier is that my Dr. prescribed me a sleeping pill and anxiety pill. I don't like medicine, especially when you don't need it, unless its a last resort kind of thing. after i heard that news about my cousin, I talked to Elvia, her sister, and it just broke my heart. I mean I couldn't imagine what it must be like to be in her shoes. And of course i'm so bad in those situations, I have no idea what to say. well anyway i didn't think that I would take it that hard...maybe it's just adding the the rest of my stress in my life. So I decided to take a half pill of the anxiety. Maybe it will help maybe it won't. I just hope I'm making the right decision. All I have to say is this isn't going to get any easier day by day...that's what i'm afraid of. I mean people can say "you need a vacation" all you want. But until this quarter is over, until i'm graduated and until my loans are payed off...there is something that always needs to be done and there is always something that can't wait...no matter how long I try to put it off there is no way that I can put it out of my mind. "out of sight out of mind" right? wrong. I guess it could be true in a sense but I'm one of those people that are always thinking of the million and one things that I have to get done...procratinating or not. I'm not a worry wart...I was just brought up that way-you have to do what you have to do.

Dreaming Aloud

I had a dream last night. It was so realistic that still to this very minute I feel as though it might be a memory, or a glimpse intot he future. I was in a taxi on my way to my new home. The taxi mist have been going the long route to get more money out of me, but I didn't mind, the scenery was beautiful! The taxi pulled up to a complex that looked more like a shopping center. THe detail on the outside of the condo's were somewhat of a french/spanish design. The tenants of my building were happy to greet me as I stumbled out of the taxi loaded up with bags. A blond hugged me and took a bag, we were to be roommates i the three bedroom condo. We would have the upstairs to ourselves, bedroom, family room, bathroom. The kitchen we would have to share with the first floor. She introduced me to the first floor tenants, a single guy who I instantly fell in love with, and his sister-they had two bedrooms, family room and kitchen. Their father owned the condo, but they decided to make money for school by renting out the vacant upstairs. By the way I talked and interacted with my new roommates, I met them before, just maybe not in person. They helped me into my room and get a little settled before they told me to meet outside. As I got outside, I got completely bombarded with water balloons, what they call initiation into "the House." I instantly felt a part of their family. I grabbed the garden hose and chased them down before being tackled byt he boy downstairs. Later, after a quick shower and change, I went downstairs for dinner. The boy said a beautiful preayer before dinner and right then i knew this was going to be a beautiful begining to a new chapter in my life! i just thought it was a really cute dream. even if it doesn't come true..like most fairy tales, that's ok, i can live with that.

I AM

Graduation is not too far off. Along with graduation comes the "real world". I wouldn't say that i'm not ready for it, but I will say that I am glad I have some extra time to think about what kind of career I want to have more specifically. I just met with my advisor who informed me that I only have three quarters left. Three quarters, I can't beleive that. It doesn't sound that bad. So this time next year i'll be finishing up. It's kinda a scary, yet a very exciting thought. I'm taking a class called Individuals in Society and my teacher had us do the 20 questions quiz. You just write down 20 things that all start with "I am" and I have found it to be very theraputic!

1. i am an aunt of 4 nephews and 1 neice
2. I am beautiful inside and out
3. I am unique
4. i am black
5. i am 5' 3"
6. i am happy with my appearance most of the time
7. i am terrible with tests
8. i am poor at memorizing
9. i am a dreamer/ day dreamer
10. i am a writer
11. i am OCD/ADD self-diagnosed
12. i am my mother's daughter
13. i am creative
14. i am colorful
15. i am forgiving
16. i am a good student when i try
17. i am a dog lover
18. i am a talker
19. i am a listener
20. i am a laugher / smiler