A letter to my sister

I don't understand how you're supposed to make a decision that changes your whole life. What are you supposed to base those decisions on? How do I konw i'm not being selfish. You know when somebody tells you "he's not good enough for you," what does that mean anyway? I know nobody in my family is discriminating by color or class when they say that, so what, because he's catholic makes it a good reason not to date/marry him? Believe me when I say if somebody told me five years ago that I was going to marry him, I wouldn't have believed them. Not saying I believe it now, but it wouldn't be a shocker. I'm only 22 but I can say i've been in love three times already, and my heart broken two times too many. Sometimes i feel like I grew up too fast, but I was always that way. So full of passion, so much I didn't know what to do with it. I guess after middle school, the only person I felt I could relate to was my grandmother; either because we're so much alike, or because she was the only one willing to be that open with me. I'm not going ot lie, I alwYs felt like the bad apple in the family, the one that makes all the mistakes. I've pretty much accepted it to the point where I don't care anymore; not that I want to be the bad apple, it's just something that is. I know I'm stubburn and independent, but I still feel as though I have a positive influence on those in my life. Do I make bad choices? Of course I do, but I learn from them and keep moving. Now that I'm in college I feel as though Mom and Dad have accapted, or I should say have tolerated me. Sometimes Dad says somethings that make me think he ignores some of the things that I do, like he's not seeing all of me, just part of me. But other times he will act like i've gone completely mad and I'm turning into this alcoholic because I may drink every now and again. Mom on the other hand doesn't mind when I tell her if i've had a drink or two. Sometimes entertaining the idea, almost as if she's living her college experience through me, and than turn around and use it against me telling me I make bad decisions. Don't get me wrong, I know Mom and Dad aren't perfect. In fact I look up to the both of them and love and admire them dearly, but seriously? I think that they may be getting moody in their old age.

Now to the real topic. Am I wrong to think that Mom somewhat is being young again through me? Like the whole tattoo thing? I love it, I really do. Sometimes I feel as if she gets really judgemental. Like with Brandon, she's still mad about that and I feel I need to just get her to talk about what she's really thinking, and how she really feels about him in order for her to get over it. Otherwise i'm going to be subject to random, harsh lecturing from her from now on. I guess now is the time to tell you i'm not asking for friendly advice. I'm asking for the cold, hard truth. This may be harsh but I don't want to end up like some people that I feel aren't happy in their relationship, but I hope they are. I am asking: Would it be so bad or wrong if I did marry Brandon? Apparently I should know if I want to marry him by now so I odn't waste anymore of his or my time. I don't know, I'm not sure what it's suppose to feel like and sometimes I feel like I couldn't meet anyone that will love me more or treat me better than Brandon. He's the nicest, most trustworthy and honest, ginuine guy I have ever met in my life and that's not something I'm willing to just give up just because Mom says he's catholic and I should. I need something better than that and even worse, I need more than that to say that I want to marry him too. If someone were to ask me if I was settling, the answer would be no. I don't think that I could do better...I could do different, but not better.

I know you're probably thinking to yourself that I haven't even mentioned God or my relationship with Him throughout this whole venting process. Don't worry, He's here. Not as much of my life as I want unfortunately but I'm working on it. I've been having difficulty getting connected and when I try, I get discouraged. But nevertheless, He's in my life, just mostly at a personal level at this point.

So I guess my plea is this. Harsh, cold advice. I know that sometimes the truth hurts, but it takes more love and appreciation to tell someone you deeply care about the truth, than a lie.

never underestimate your mother, she will shoot you in the heart

The whole point of me being single was to catch my breath, look around and see what my life was all about. I didn't have time to be in a relationship when i didn't know who i was, or worse, wasn't happy with who i was. I knew i had to be more responsible, take more initiative towards my life and my future, my goals, my happiness. Here I am back in a relationship that frankly, I am very happy with. Its not taking up too much of my time, and I feel as if i'm getting done what I need to, or atleast its not the relationship that might be holding me back or distracting me. For once i actually feel accomplished. That for once I know what I'm doing and I know exactly what I need to improve on and what I am good at. I know where I am and I know where I want to go. Don't get me wrong, I don't have it all figured out, as a matter of fact I have no idea if what i'm doing is going to work or if my plans will work out the way i want them to. The good thing is that I'm happy with it. I'm happy with the way things are going and i'm happy with the way i respond to stress...i'm just happy and stressed and frustrated and motivated, but happy. For once i don't feel like this pointless ugly ducky floating in a sea of swans. okay maybe that didn't make so much sense.
Anyhow, my mother just blasted me this morning. I had a great 12 hours with my family, and on my way home she gives me this phone call that basically shot me. "you need to think about what you're doing heather. by getting back with brandon you're basically leading him on to think that you're going to marry you because you know he wants to marry you." thats what she said to me. The whole point of breaking up and getting back together was to have a new begining. I had no clue how to respond to that. so i just told her okay, i'll think about it. I don't want to get married, i can barely think past this week. I'm not quite sure what she expects from me. if she thinks i'm making all the wrong decisions than she needs to just up front tell me instead of insulting sideways like that. Great, just great. the rest of my week is going to be hell. i can tell already because ontop of all of that my best girl friend is mad at me because i am canceling our plans for this coming up weekend due to mothers day coming up. The only person i have left to talk about this is Brandon. I can't talk to him about this because its about him, and its something my mom said. I guess i'll just have to pray that God can get me through this week.