Thursday, February 19, 2009
Dreaming Aloud
I had a dream last night. It was so realistic that still to this very minute I feel as though it might be a memory, or a glimpse intot he future. I was in a taxi on my way to my new home. The taxi mist have been going the long route to get more money out of me, but I didn't mind, the scenery was beautiful! The taxi pulled up to a complex that looked more like a shopping center. THe detail on the outside of the condo's were somewhat of a french/spanish design. The tenants of my building were happy to greet me as I stumbled out of the taxi loaded up with bags. A blond hugged me and took a bag, we were to be roommates i the three bedroom condo. We would have the upstairs to ourselves, bedroom, family room, bathroom. The kitchen we would have to share with the first floor. She introduced me to the first floor tenants, a single guy who I instantly fell in love with, and his sister-they had two bedrooms, family room and kitchen. Their father owned the condo, but they decided to make money for school by renting out the vacant upstairs. By the way I talked and interacted with my new roommates, I met them before, just maybe not in person. They helped me into my room and get a little settled before they told me to meet outside. As I got outside, I got completely bombarded with water balloons, what they call initiation into "the House." I instantly felt a part of their family. I grabbed the garden hose and chased them down before being tackled byt he boy downstairs. Later, after a quick shower and change, I went downstairs for dinner. The boy said a beautiful preayer before dinner and right then i knew this was going to be a beautiful begining to a new chapter in my life! i just thought it was a really cute dream. even if it doesn't come true..like most fairy tales, that's ok, i can live with that.
I AM
Graduation is not too far off. Along with graduation comes the "real world". I wouldn't say that i'm not ready for it, but I will say that I am glad I have some extra time to think about what kind of career I want to have more specifically. I just met with my advisor who informed me that I only have three quarters left. Three quarters, I can't beleive that. It doesn't sound that bad. So this time next year i'll be finishing up. It's kinda a scary, yet a very exciting thought. I'm taking a class called Individuals in Society and my teacher had us do the 20 questions quiz. You just write down 20 things that all start with "I am" and I have found it to be very theraputic!
1. i am an aunt of 4 nephews and 1 neice
2. I am beautiful inside and out
3. I am unique
4. i am black
5. i am 5' 3"
6. i am happy with my appearance most of the time
7. i am terrible with tests
8. i am poor at memorizing
9. i am a dreamer/ day dreamer
10. i am a writer
11. i am OCD/ADD self-diagnosed
12. i am my mother's daughter
13. i am creative
14. i am colorful
15. i am forgiving
16. i am a good student when i try
17. i am a dog lover
18. i am a talker
19. i am a listener
20. i am a laugher / smiler
1. i am an aunt of 4 nephews and 1 neice
2. I am beautiful inside and out
3. I am unique
4. i am black
5. i am 5' 3"
6. i am happy with my appearance most of the time
7. i am terrible with tests
8. i am poor at memorizing
9. i am a dreamer/ day dreamer
10. i am a writer
11. i am OCD/ADD self-diagnosed
12. i am my mother's daughter
13. i am creative
14. i am colorful
15. i am forgiving
16. i am a good student when i try
17. i am a dog lover
18. i am a talker
19. i am a listener
20. i am a laugher / smiler
Friday, February 6, 2009
Road Ahead
It's important to know where you're going, I realize, but even more important to remember where you came from. As every history teacher reminds us, history is important to know so we don't repeat the same mistakes. Like most people know but don't want to admit, most people will continue to make the same mistakes over and over until something pushes them to change. Not all mistakes are obvious, it could be a bad habit or lack of good habits. A "Top 25 random facts that people don't know about me " posting trend was going around on facebook. I finally caved in and decided to do it after many of my friends did it. After posting mine, i realized that a lot of my things were negative, but I think it's only because I feel as if I have a lot of secrets that I don't share with people. If something good happens to me, I let everyone know, but if something bad happens, or something that effects me deeply, only my very close friends know about that. What I want to do is
**Sorry I have to interrupt my journal to say speaking of mistakes, Michael Phelps got caught smoking weed and he got sooo busted for it. I'm not saying that he didn't deserve it because if he didn't get dropped by Kellogg or suspended than he would have never learned his lesson...but marijuana? haven't other athletes done much worse and got a slap on the hand? WOW***
Back to journaling. I am going to post my top 25 here and go more into dept. I think that will help people have a more understanding...for more or for worse. What I don't...DON'T want people to do is feel bad for me or feel like I'm doing this for attention because I know that EVERYONE has issues that they need to work out with themselves as well.
1. I want to travel the world - whether it be for international business travel, for my honeymoon, or just traveling, I would LOVE to go Greece, Italy, Australia, IRELAND!! anywhere really! I would love to backpack Europe...do it all!
2. I want to be a missionary and live selflessly in another country for a long period of time helping others - I've always had it in my heart to help those that are less fortunate. I think that it would be an amazing experience, and I know that I would learn a lot about myself.
3. I want to open a coffee shop bookstore that somehow channels into helping others - I don't really know how having a bookstore that sells coffee could help others, but I want to somehow. Maybe by holding a lot of fundraisers for inner-city single parents, or...oh i don't know but I know that I want to do something.
4. I'm scared of suffocating (drowning, being buried alive, etc.) - I was trapped in an elevator for 2 hours once. Ever since than, if I get in a really rickety elevator, or one with a lot of people in it, I become claustrophobic and feel like I might panic. It has happened to me a couple times in public and I just had to take deep breaths until the doors opened up. I usually take the stairs now.
5. I hate bugs, yet find them fascinating - really I hate bugs. I lived in this really old house last year and my bathroom was in the basement. I had to kill a huge silverfish centipede every single time I went to the restroom. Then my basement was infested with flies, don't ask me how. I hate bugs that are inside, and the ones that annoy you outside. I like watching them in detail on national geographic to learn about their habits.
6. I'm scared of growing old too fast - most of my friends make fun of me (in a loving way) laughing about how I am so anal about keeping my apartment clean, or how I listen to classic music, dress mostly conservative...those types of things.
7. I am the most indecisive person, yet I seem to be the one making all the decisions in groups of people. When it comes to making decisions about myself, what I want to do as a career, if I should apply for this job, if I should apply for an international program, etc. For some reason, whenever I am in a group, in class or with friends, or even with my boyfriend, I always seem to make the decisions. I don't know why, but there is something very ironic about an indecisive leader.
8. I love being scared, as long as I know it's not real. I love going through haunted houses, or seeing scary movies. what i don't like is when my boyfriend scares me by hiding and grabbing me. NOT cool! or murder movies or movies about 666...once again, NOT cool!!
9. I harbor my feelings if I think they might effect others, or my friendships/ relationships with others. If someone is annoying me, or upsetting me, most of the time i don't say anything. the only time i will say anything is if they have completely made me angry beyond reasoning, and even then I don't let them know the extent of it. If someone makes me sad, I will cry in privacy. I just don't like letting people know when they bother me, even if it means hurting me. I feel vulnerable and it's just an uncomfortable situation. I rather avoid it that confront it.
10. I was born in Orange County, California and I wish I could live there every summer. Although Cali is beautiful I couldn't imagine living there all the time. The traffic is what makes it not worth it...unless you live in Northern Cali, than its kind of chili! I was born in the sun(not literally) and i love the sun beaming on my face, just makes me smile. That's what makes me so happy...along with many other things
11. I had my childhood in Atlanta, Georgia and wonder how my life would have turned out if I never moved. Although I value many relationships I have here in Ohio. Ever since I moved to Ohio, I don't really have any great memories other than my 4th grade experience...great times!! and middle school bff's!! other than that…high school i could have skipped and college has been a really exciting time.
12. I hate crying in front of people, I have anger management issues and even talked to a psychologist for a month to talk about it. - I hate crying in front of people because I always thing of those chick flick comedies where the girl is sobbing and trying to say what is wrong but nobody can understand her. haha. On the real though I really like to think that I'm stronger than I am. I am really strong during really hard times, but I cry at really stupid times like when I'm sick, or when I'm stressed and upset. My anger management ties in with crying because I cry when I'm really angry. I don't get angry very often or very easily, but when I do I start to cry because I feel so filled with anger and I don't know what to do with it and I don't like it. It's not like a "I'm so mad" angry, it's a "I'm so filled with rage I feel like the hulk" kind of anger. I asked my parents for a punching bag for Christmas when I was 16 because I love hitting thing when I'm upset. I had a lot of anger in high school, I mean A LOT!!
13. Although I'm very outgoing, I'm an introvert in secret. I hate letting my feelings show through. - As I mentioned earlier, I don't like letting people that they're bothering me, I don't like crying in front of others, and I don't know how to channel my anger.
14. I think I have an insecurity about relationships. I feel left out almost on a daily basis, alone and unimportant, even when surrounded by friends. It's a daily process to work on those insecurities. I mostly depend on my family. - I had the best friends a girl could ever have in middle school. In high school we got split up and kind of went our separate ways. They're still my friends, but not like it used to be. I didn't find friends like that again until my senior year in high school. We got split up when we went to college. Although they're still be my best friends, the people that I called friends in-between my real friends were nothing but disappointments and failures. Most of the time I thought it was my fault. Between the drama and relationships, I didn't know where I fit in, and it's taken me this long to work through those insecurities because of it, and I'm still working through them. For an example, I'll meet someone, and feel as if we've completely hit it off, so I try to keep the friendship going until I realize that I'm the only one working at it. It's probably happened to me over 50 times. I know a lot of people because I'm a friendly person, but at times it seems like everyone has enough friends to be bothered with me. It's not like they don't like me, they just don't have time with me and that's something that I've had to deal with my whole life. I didn't grow up in Ohio so I don't have best friends since kindergarten. The friends that I do have from 4th grade are still amazing people, but our lives have taken us down different paths and it's hard to make new friends where I am now.
15. People are always surprised by #14 because they say I'm "so friendly and there is no reason why people shouldn't like me". It's not making friends that is the problem, it's keeping them. See the above "novel" haha.
16. I have a reluctance to go to church because I don't feel like I belong, except at my home church in Columbus. When I walk into a church, I want to feel welcomed and it feel like home. Not like some foreign place that I don't feel comfortable at or "feel good enough for".
17. I used to try so hard to have Christian friends, but they were so fake and hypocritical it didn't last long. The mentors that I had were all too busy for me, so I stopped trying to have Christian/accountability friends altogether. - When I moved to Ohio, I had to re-learn everything. I was only 10 so it wasn't too terribly difficult to go to a new school. The worst part was finding a new church. I don't remember how long it took us to find Heritage (my current hoe church) but when we finally did, it just so happened that all the kids my age were boys. I ended up hanging out with the younger girls because the older girls went into middle school and were "too mature" for me. Most of the girls my age and younger were home-schooled. I always felt like I was corrupting them, but the truth is that they were so sheltered they weren't aware of the 'real world' and so my knowledge made me feel like the bad girl. As we got older, things just got worse, more distant. My parents started to notice all of my friends were from school, not so many in the church. They set me up with three mentors, at least that I can remember. All of them which lasted no longer than a couple weeks or so. I'm not blaming them, it's not their fault, but do you know what if feels like to be abandoned? That something or someone is more important than you? Especially when you didn't want to do something at first, than you accepted only for it to be thrown back in your face. My first mentor had family issues and had to put more attention into her family. My second and third left to plan their weddings. It shattered me, I felt lost, forgotten, that God didn't care enough to put someone in my life that could help me and guide me. Ever since than I haven't been very good about pushing myself to go to church unless I'm at home with my parents.
18. I have a passion for so many things, it's hard to decide what I really want to do with my life. In high school I applied to three different schools for three different majors. I felt as though I couldn't decide on my major, so whatever college I ended up going to, that would be my major. I applied to Hampton University for architecture, Spelman for Liberal Arts, University of Cincinnati for Psychology, and Art Institute of Atlanta for Design. I didn't expect to be accepted into all but one, Spelman. I chickened out and decided to go to Cincinnati because it was closer to home, and I fell in love with the campus. I know now that I had so many opportunities that I didn't take and I think a lot about how any one of those schools could have changed my life and where I would be now. If I could go back and change anything, I would still be in Cincinnati, but in art instead. I don't think that it's too late for me to go into art, but it's too late for me to go into art at UC. When I was at the Art Institute of Atlanta, that was my number one pick. I don't remember now what made me change my mind, but I do remember asking them if they had an Institute in Ohio, and their answer was no, that the closest one was in Pennsylvania. Two years into school at UC, I discovered the Art Institute of Cincinnati, the SAME institution in Atlanta. It's not too late to go to art school, it's just not the right time.
19. I'm going to write a fictional novel someday about all my experiences in life. As I mentioned earlier, In middle school I had the best friends ever! We used to write short stories and combine them and/or share them with one another. I love writing and I always have and I plan to write a fiction about a young girl going through hardships, based on a lot of the same experiences I have had.
20. I'm a huge procrastinator, but I seem to function better under pressure. Just as it says. I procrastinate so much that sometimes I loose time as if I blacked out. Sometimes I don't even have a clue to what time it is, I could be two or three hours off. I'm working at it, but lately I have found that because I have a better understanding of the things that I must get done throughout the day, I have developed insomnia. I have been getting between 4-5 hours of sleep a night, 6 at the most, with out any naps or resting during the day. I know that lack of sleep can effect your memory and concentration. I have been working on it lately.
21. I was depressed through most of high school because I didn't know who I was or where I belonged. Race had a lot to do with it unfortunately. High school became the first experience for me with large diversity. I have experienced diversity, a lot more than others, but not to where I am thrown into a daily society of different cultures. This caused me to question myself and who I was. I got into the wrong relationship, and became friends with people that I wouldn't normally be friends with. This was a good and bad thing because I am still to this day friends with some of them, and I learned to stand up for myself through theses experiences. The bad part about it was that I didn't know who I was for a while. The black kids at school said that I wasn't "black" enough and the white kids at school said I was "too black" or "ghetto". This effected my relationships with girls. I know now what I didn't know then, that black girls were a lot of times intimidated by light skin women because they were "more desirable" by men. I could go on forever but to sum it all up, it took all four years of high school, of loosing friends, bad relationships, being teased, not feeling as though I belonged, being taken advantage, and other things that made me feel worthless, not wanted and forgotten about. The more you isolate yourself, the worse it will make things. If I learned anything its that I have to pick myself up and keep trying because nobody is going to do it for me.
22. I've had my heart broken twice before I turned 20, another reason why I was lost in high school and freshman year of college. - I don't care what anyone says, love targets no age. People have been in love at a young age, and than as they get older they realize they weren't really in love. 5 years after my first serious boyfriends I can still say that I was really truly in love. If he didn't turn into someone completely different than the person I fell in love with, I don't know where I would be now, but thank God that He took me out of that situation. Love is real, love hurts, but it certainly is something you can really learn about yourself though.
23. I've experienced first hand that God is all powerful and can heal any hurt and get you back on your feet if you just believe in him and ask for his grace. - Through everything that I wrote about, you can see that God was really working in my life to keep me going and not down the wrong road.
24. Every day I get to know myself more and more and become happier than I've been since I was a kid.
25. I have just recently been experiencing the love from others, and realized that relationships (both past and present) are there for a reason and you shouldn't quit on those that care about you. - I have been reconnecting with people that I haven't talked to for years because if you have hatred or regrets in your heart, it's a burden and it effects the current relationships that you have now with people, even if you don't realize it. It might cause you to have set backs, or it might cause you to hold back from being yourself because of past experiences with friends. I am learning to let go of those bad memories I have with old friends, even if I don't continue to be friends with them, but in some cases I am rekindling friendships and I'm glad that I am.
**Sorry I have to interrupt my journal to say speaking of mistakes, Michael Phelps got caught smoking weed and he got sooo busted for it. I'm not saying that he didn't deserve it because if he didn't get dropped by Kellogg or suspended than he would have never learned his lesson...but marijuana? haven't other athletes done much worse and got a slap on the hand? WOW***
Back to journaling. I am going to post my top 25 here and go more into dept. I think that will help people have a more understanding...for more or for worse. What I don't...DON'T want people to do is feel bad for me or feel like I'm doing this for attention because I know that EVERYONE has issues that they need to work out with themselves as well.
1. I want to travel the world - whether it be for international business travel, for my honeymoon, or just traveling, I would LOVE to go Greece, Italy, Australia, IRELAND!! anywhere really! I would love to backpack Europe...do it all!
2. I want to be a missionary and live selflessly in another country for a long period of time helping others - I've always had it in my heart to help those that are less fortunate. I think that it would be an amazing experience, and I know that I would learn a lot about myself.
3. I want to open a coffee shop bookstore that somehow channels into helping others - I don't really know how having a bookstore that sells coffee could help others, but I want to somehow. Maybe by holding a lot of fundraisers for inner-city single parents, or...oh i don't know but I know that I want to do something.
4. I'm scared of suffocating (drowning, being buried alive, etc.) - I was trapped in an elevator for 2 hours once. Ever since than, if I get in a really rickety elevator, or one with a lot of people in it, I become claustrophobic and feel like I might panic. It has happened to me a couple times in public and I just had to take deep breaths until the doors opened up. I usually take the stairs now.
5. I hate bugs, yet find them fascinating - really I hate bugs. I lived in this really old house last year and my bathroom was in the basement. I had to kill a huge silverfish centipede every single time I went to the restroom. Then my basement was infested with flies, don't ask me how. I hate bugs that are inside, and the ones that annoy you outside. I like watching them in detail on national geographic to learn about their habits.
6. I'm scared of growing old too fast - most of my friends make fun of me (in a loving way) laughing about how I am so anal about keeping my apartment clean, or how I listen to classic music, dress mostly conservative...those types of things.
7. I am the most indecisive person, yet I seem to be the one making all the decisions in groups of people. When it comes to making decisions about myself, what I want to do as a career, if I should apply for this job, if I should apply for an international program, etc. For some reason, whenever I am in a group, in class or with friends, or even with my boyfriend, I always seem to make the decisions. I don't know why, but there is something very ironic about an indecisive leader.
8. I love being scared, as long as I know it's not real. I love going through haunted houses, or seeing scary movies. what i don't like is when my boyfriend scares me by hiding and grabbing me. NOT cool! or murder movies or movies about 666...once again, NOT cool!!
9. I harbor my feelings if I think they might effect others, or my friendships/ relationships with others. If someone is annoying me, or upsetting me, most of the time i don't say anything. the only time i will say anything is if they have completely made me angry beyond reasoning, and even then I don't let them know the extent of it. If someone makes me sad, I will cry in privacy. I just don't like letting people know when they bother me, even if it means hurting me. I feel vulnerable and it's just an uncomfortable situation. I rather avoid it that confront it.
10. I was born in Orange County, California and I wish I could live there every summer. Although Cali is beautiful I couldn't imagine living there all the time. The traffic is what makes it not worth it...unless you live in Northern Cali, than its kind of chili! I was born in the sun(not literally) and i love the sun beaming on my face, just makes me smile. That's what makes me so happy...along with many other things
11. I had my childhood in Atlanta, Georgia and wonder how my life would have turned out if I never moved. Although I value many relationships I have here in Ohio. Ever since I moved to Ohio, I don't really have any great memories other than my 4th grade experience...great times!! and middle school bff's!! other than that…high school i could have skipped and college has been a really exciting time.
12. I hate crying in front of people, I have anger management issues and even talked to a psychologist for a month to talk about it. - I hate crying in front of people because I always thing of those chick flick comedies where the girl is sobbing and trying to say what is wrong but nobody can understand her. haha. On the real though I really like to think that I'm stronger than I am. I am really strong during really hard times, but I cry at really stupid times like when I'm sick, or when I'm stressed and upset. My anger management ties in with crying because I cry when I'm really angry. I don't get angry very often or very easily, but when I do I start to cry because I feel so filled with anger and I don't know what to do with it and I don't like it. It's not like a "I'm so mad" angry, it's a "I'm so filled with rage I feel like the hulk" kind of anger. I asked my parents for a punching bag for Christmas when I was 16 because I love hitting thing when I'm upset. I had a lot of anger in high school, I mean A LOT!!
13. Although I'm very outgoing, I'm an introvert in secret. I hate letting my feelings show through. - As I mentioned earlier, I don't like letting people that they're bothering me, I don't like crying in front of others, and I don't know how to channel my anger.
14. I think I have an insecurity about relationships. I feel left out almost on a daily basis, alone and unimportant, even when surrounded by friends. It's a daily process to work on those insecurities. I mostly depend on my family. - I had the best friends a girl could ever have in middle school. In high school we got split up and kind of went our separate ways. They're still my friends, but not like it used to be. I didn't find friends like that again until my senior year in high school. We got split up when we went to college. Although they're still be my best friends, the people that I called friends in-between my real friends were nothing but disappointments and failures. Most of the time I thought it was my fault. Between the drama and relationships, I didn't know where I fit in, and it's taken me this long to work through those insecurities because of it, and I'm still working through them. For an example, I'll meet someone, and feel as if we've completely hit it off, so I try to keep the friendship going until I realize that I'm the only one working at it. It's probably happened to me over 50 times. I know a lot of people because I'm a friendly person, but at times it seems like everyone has enough friends to be bothered with me. It's not like they don't like me, they just don't have time with me and that's something that I've had to deal with my whole life. I didn't grow up in Ohio so I don't have best friends since kindergarten. The friends that I do have from 4th grade are still amazing people, but our lives have taken us down different paths and it's hard to make new friends where I am now.
15. People are always surprised by #14 because they say I'm "so friendly and there is no reason why people shouldn't like me". It's not making friends that is the problem, it's keeping them. See the above "novel" haha.
16. I have a reluctance to go to church because I don't feel like I belong, except at my home church in Columbus. When I walk into a church, I want to feel welcomed and it feel like home. Not like some foreign place that I don't feel comfortable at or "feel good enough for".
17. I used to try so hard to have Christian friends, but they were so fake and hypocritical it didn't last long. The mentors that I had were all too busy for me, so I stopped trying to have Christian/accountability friends altogether. - When I moved to Ohio, I had to re-learn everything. I was only 10 so it wasn't too terribly difficult to go to a new school. The worst part was finding a new church. I don't remember how long it took us to find Heritage (my current hoe church) but when we finally did, it just so happened that all the kids my age were boys. I ended up hanging out with the younger girls because the older girls went into middle school and were "too mature" for me. Most of the girls my age and younger were home-schooled. I always felt like I was corrupting them, but the truth is that they were so sheltered they weren't aware of the 'real world' and so my knowledge made me feel like the bad girl. As we got older, things just got worse, more distant. My parents started to notice all of my friends were from school, not so many in the church. They set me up with three mentors, at least that I can remember. All of them which lasted no longer than a couple weeks or so. I'm not blaming them, it's not their fault, but do you know what if feels like to be abandoned? That something or someone is more important than you? Especially when you didn't want to do something at first, than you accepted only for it to be thrown back in your face. My first mentor had family issues and had to put more attention into her family. My second and third left to plan their weddings. It shattered me, I felt lost, forgotten, that God didn't care enough to put someone in my life that could help me and guide me. Ever since than I haven't been very good about pushing myself to go to church unless I'm at home with my parents.
18. I have a passion for so many things, it's hard to decide what I really want to do with my life. In high school I applied to three different schools for three different majors. I felt as though I couldn't decide on my major, so whatever college I ended up going to, that would be my major. I applied to Hampton University for architecture, Spelman for Liberal Arts, University of Cincinnati for Psychology, and Art Institute of Atlanta for Design. I didn't expect to be accepted into all but one, Spelman. I chickened out and decided to go to Cincinnati because it was closer to home, and I fell in love with the campus. I know now that I had so many opportunities that I didn't take and I think a lot about how any one of those schools could have changed my life and where I would be now. If I could go back and change anything, I would still be in Cincinnati, but in art instead. I don't think that it's too late for me to go into art, but it's too late for me to go into art at UC. When I was at the Art Institute of Atlanta, that was my number one pick. I don't remember now what made me change my mind, but I do remember asking them if they had an Institute in Ohio, and their answer was no, that the closest one was in Pennsylvania. Two years into school at UC, I discovered the Art Institute of Cincinnati, the SAME institution in Atlanta. It's not too late to go to art school, it's just not the right time.
19. I'm going to write a fictional novel someday about all my experiences in life. As I mentioned earlier, In middle school I had the best friends ever! We used to write short stories and combine them and/or share them with one another. I love writing and I always have and I plan to write a fiction about a young girl going through hardships, based on a lot of the same experiences I have had.
20. I'm a huge procrastinator, but I seem to function better under pressure. Just as it says. I procrastinate so much that sometimes I loose time as if I blacked out. Sometimes I don't even have a clue to what time it is, I could be two or three hours off. I'm working at it, but lately I have found that because I have a better understanding of the things that I must get done throughout the day, I have developed insomnia. I have been getting between 4-5 hours of sleep a night, 6 at the most, with out any naps or resting during the day. I know that lack of sleep can effect your memory and concentration. I have been working on it lately.
21. I was depressed through most of high school because I didn't know who I was or where I belonged. Race had a lot to do with it unfortunately. High school became the first experience for me with large diversity. I have experienced diversity, a lot more than others, but not to where I am thrown into a daily society of different cultures. This caused me to question myself and who I was. I got into the wrong relationship, and became friends with people that I wouldn't normally be friends with. This was a good and bad thing because I am still to this day friends with some of them, and I learned to stand up for myself through theses experiences. The bad part about it was that I didn't know who I was for a while. The black kids at school said that I wasn't "black" enough and the white kids at school said I was "too black" or "ghetto". This effected my relationships with girls. I know now what I didn't know then, that black girls were a lot of times intimidated by light skin women because they were "more desirable" by men. I could go on forever but to sum it all up, it took all four years of high school, of loosing friends, bad relationships, being teased, not feeling as though I belonged, being taken advantage, and other things that made me feel worthless, not wanted and forgotten about. The more you isolate yourself, the worse it will make things. If I learned anything its that I have to pick myself up and keep trying because nobody is going to do it for me.
22. I've had my heart broken twice before I turned 20, another reason why I was lost in high school and freshman year of college. - I don't care what anyone says, love targets no age. People have been in love at a young age, and than as they get older they realize they weren't really in love. 5 years after my first serious boyfriends I can still say that I was really truly in love. If he didn't turn into someone completely different than the person I fell in love with, I don't know where I would be now, but thank God that He took me out of that situation. Love is real, love hurts, but it certainly is something you can really learn about yourself though.
23. I've experienced first hand that God is all powerful and can heal any hurt and get you back on your feet if you just believe in him and ask for his grace. - Through everything that I wrote about, you can see that God was really working in my life to keep me going and not down the wrong road.
24. Every day I get to know myself more and more and become happier than I've been since I was a kid.
25. I have just recently been experiencing the love from others, and realized that relationships (both past and present) are there for a reason and you shouldn't quit on those that care about you. - I have been reconnecting with people that I haven't talked to for years because if you have hatred or regrets in your heart, it's a burden and it effects the current relationships that you have now with people, even if you don't realize it. It might cause you to have set backs, or it might cause you to hold back from being yourself because of past experiences with friends. I am learning to let go of those bad memories I have with old friends, even if I don't continue to be friends with them, but in some cases I am rekindling friendships and I'm glad that I am.
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