Not much has changed since I last wrote. I am still managing the food and beverage sector at the hotel. I am starting to get into the daily grind of either being busy or bored. I don't really mind, it's just that I'm either just hanging out around work until I get paperwork or have cleaning or setting up to do, or i'm stressed and ready to pull my hair out because i'm supposedly supposed to have everything I just received in my mailbox done by the end of the day. I see why people become work-a-holics. It's almost as if I rather be at work everyday so I don't get backed up with work from my day off. I guess that's why people normally dread Monday's, but in my case, it might be a Monday, or a Tuesday, or even a Wednesday.
Anyway. What I find most interesting about work is that I took this job terrified that I was going to hate it, or be horrible at it...but the truth is I like it, and I'm not horrible at it at all, I think I might even be good at it. But I took the job only because I saw it as an outlet, as a stepping stone to get where I want to be, to get to a job that I LOVE. I have come to find out that this might be a dead-end. Sure, I work for a very large company and it shouldn't be hard for me to transfer at all, but I can't just transfer within a 30 min radius for a better job..those don't just open up everyday. I find that I don't have any freedom, I don't have any say to what I want or what I think is best. I am not aloud to have any weekends off, any Sundays off to go to church because I am "on the bottom of the totem poll" as my General Manager said. I think about that everyday, and as much as that might be true and fair, is any job really worth sacrificing every Sunday morning at church, all of your time with your family and friends on the weekends? In one hand, I could start looking for another job, a 9-5 Monday through Friday job that will allow me the weekends to spend that time with my church and friends and family. But will I like it, will I be happy with a job like that? In the other hand, I haven't had a job for more than 6 months in the past year. Do people see that as a bad thing, or is that the norm now because we are taught to follow our dreams and aspirations and reach for the stars? That is the question that has been in my mind for the past 2 weeks. On top of that, I am so busy and stressed with the wedding planning that I don't even have the time or energy to job search right now anyway. I think that it would be a good idea to just stick with my current job until the wedding is over and who knows, maybe a city relocation might be in the near future anyway.
Johnny has been in Indiana working at his co-op for the past three weeks. He has been coming home every weekend so far, so at least I get to see him then, so I know I shouldn't be complaining, but it's hard. I have been telling myself every single day for the past 2 weeks that this is easy, this is nothing. We started dating when I lived in Cincinnati, so we were used to a long distance relationship...but this is different. We're both working full time, sometimes on the same schedule, but not always, but I don't usually have any contact with him until the evening and if something is going on all I get is a goodnight phone call. No blame here, this is life and I keep telling myself that it's not his fault, we have to be responsible adults and get our beauty sleep and workout, and do everything it is we have to do. Besides, this is nothing because after we get married he's not moving for 3 months again, it's going to be 6 months. So why am I so emotional? I've been spoiled for being able to have my best friend and my love with me every single day for the past 6 months that I feel like he is so far away and its hard going through everyday without my best friend. So I've been praying, reading, listening to worship music...trying to get closer to God while I have this time alone. And I think that's what God wants me to do. I hate being alone and I get so frustrated when all I have is my parents to come home to everyday who criticize the crap out of me daily. So maybe God is just telling me that he gave me an amazing person, but I can't rely 100% on that person, but on God. I keep going back to our marriage counseling class, and realizing that when we are together, and we have an argument or one of us goes away on a business trip or even on an everyday basis, we can't rely on each other because no matter how hard we try, we're not perfect and we will fail each other. That's when we rely on God. So in this lonely and emotional time, I need to spend time with God and rely and focus on him. This time alone is not supposed to be sad and lonely, but a blessing that I get to focus more on God and our time to grow together.
I am so blessed to have so many relationships to look up to. My parents, my sister and brother, johnny's parents and his sister, and many of friends around us. God has been a huge blessing in all of our lives and I thank him for that.
