My favorite most daring Haircut EVER!!

So I know it might be a little hard to tell from this picture, but that's me on the left...not a guy. I cut all my long locks off the day after high school reunion, I guess I felt like it was some sort of liberation. Once again, you can't really tell from the picture,but this is the only picture I have of me when my hair was that short, but it was actually quite cute in reality. Wow, this picture brings back a lot of old memories....The picture below was a little while later after my hair was growing back, it was kinda of a nice length, but my hair was growing so fast, there was no way I was going to try to keep up with the maintanence to keep it short, nor did I have the money for a haircut every 3 weeks...

no time for reminiscing now, must get to sleep. I just got done with my last final of the quarter and I pulled an all nighter on Monday night, and than again on Wednesday night...so pretty much, my body is sooo over exhausted that I don't even feel tired...I know I'm going to feel it at my 8 AM hair appointment.

ta ta for now...

Bad Hair Cuts

So I was talking to my friends about really bad hair cuts, and I starting thinking of all the horrible hair cuts I've ever had, and I would have to say that This was the absolute worst one, especially considering the fact that I tried to trim my own hair and layer it around the front, and messed it up so bad that my hairdressor basically had to cut me bangs. It was horrible...as you can see!! Always good for some good laughs, after the fact of course!!

To You

I've never felt like this before. Feeling every emotion at once is a real experience that I didn't think would ever be possible. I feel angry, confused, upset, free, independent, scared, alone, blessed....all of the above. I don't think i've ever made a life decision that would change my life this much...or maybe it won't change my life as much as i'm expecting. It brings so many possibilities...so many different roads and doors to my life that were previously covered in cobwebs. Don't get me wrong...its not all good by any means. I lost my best friend. The person that has been closest to my heart for all of my college years; the person that I could always rely on to come through, the person that I knew would never let me down, for the most part. But there was something missing. Something wasn't there that I knew all along should be. I couldn't deceive him into thinking that I was the person for him, there someone out there that is much better, someone that will love him just as much as he loves them. Someone that has the same views and goals, someone that will make him that happiest man on earth, happier than he thought anyone could ever make him, happier than he was with me. I know it doesn't seem that way now, but one day he will meet her and understand what i've been trying to tell/show him all along. Things don't always go the way that you want them or expect them to go, but "God blessed the broken road..." and He will lead him to her. I beleive that God puts people in my live for a certain reason, every single person that touches my life has their purpose and I know that you are by far the most important so far with the most impact. You've taught me so much, about life, and about myself that I would have never known if it wasn't for you. I wish that, well with all that it's worth I wish we could still be best friends, but we both know that can't happen. Maybe if we met at a different time in our lives things would be different? Maybe we would be bestfriends then. There is one thing that I do know, I don't regret the time that we spent together, getting to know one another, learning from one another, growing into adults together. That is something I wouldn't change for the world.

Living my nightmare and dreaming my life

Today has been anything but okay. It has been hectic, surprising, devastating, lonely and depressing...one after the other, not quite that order but good enough. I woke up this morning with a sore...face? haha, well my ear and glands in my throat have been swollen for the past 2 days, so i decided to take my mother up on her advice and go to the Dr. before it got worse, so I wasn't sick on exam week...AGAIN. After waiting for over an hour I finally got in to see the Dr. only to find out that it wasn't an ear infection, but TMJ...which is like Jaw muscle tendenitis due to stress and such. Surprised about the TMJ? No, my mother has it. Surprised about the anxiety and stress? very much so. I'm not one to slow down and realize, hey I have all of this stress in my life and it might effect my health. Sure I complain about bills and work and I go out on the weekend to vent to my friends over a couple of drinks, but to be so stressed that it is effecting my health? I was very surprised about that. My Dr. began to ask me a series of questions such as my relationship with my boyfriend, school, work, bills, and my sleeping habits. Surprisingly...yet not so surprised at the same time, he pretty much told me that I am doing way too much, more than I can handle and it's starting to show. The reason I never noticed it before was because I like to stay busy...i'm used to having things to do. Now, i'm starting to not be able to sleep. I don't have problems sleeping, I have problems falling asleep, and once i'm asleep, I haven't been waking up. This is causing me to miss class, to be late to work, all sorts of things that I need to be doing that i'm missing. Not only that, but then I wake up tired, have no energy throughout the day, but can't seem to fall asleep the next night. It's a vicious cycle I must say. So my Dr. recommends staying with the boyfriend until exam week is over...i can't say that i disagree with that. Then he went on to say that i'm trying to juggle way to much and i should try to minimize that. Not like i really have a choice. So after my dr. appointment, i went to the labcorp clinic to do bloodwork, regular precedure....but i had to fast for 12 hours for it so i was completely exhausted today. on my way home i decided to have chipotle because I was so hungry and i haven't had it in a while. It was so good! I ended up falling asleep around 5 and didn't get up til 9. Missed another class ( i missed my morning class because i didn't get up to my alarm). I feel like i'm being completely irresponsible, but at the same time I feel like I could have a complete break down at anytime now. When I woke up, i had a couple of missed calls and called my sister back. Worst news possible...my cousin passed away today. She had internal bleeding which led to an emergency c-section and slipped into a coma. The baby is okay, but my cousin passed in her coma. I mean...what do you say to that? She left behind a newborn baby, husband, and a 14 year old daughter. As a beleiver.....I don't even know what to think about that. I mean that family has had sooo much to deal with already and it's like if everything is supposed to happen for a reason...when does the good stuff start happening. Well what I didn't mention earlier is that my Dr. prescribed me a sleeping pill and anxiety pill. I don't like medicine, especially when you don't need it, unless its a last resort kind of thing. after i heard that news about my cousin, I talked to Elvia, her sister, and it just broke my heart. I mean I couldn't imagine what it must be like to be in her shoes. And of course i'm so bad in those situations, I have no idea what to say. well anyway i didn't think that I would take it that hard...maybe it's just adding the the rest of my stress in my life. So I decided to take a half pill of the anxiety. Maybe it will help maybe it won't. I just hope I'm making the right decision. All I have to say is this isn't going to get any easier day by day...that's what i'm afraid of. I mean people can say "you need a vacation" all you want. But until this quarter is over, until i'm graduated and until my loans are payed off...there is something that always needs to be done and there is always something that can't wait...no matter how long I try to put it off there is no way that I can put it out of my mind. "out of sight out of mind" right? wrong. I guess it could be true in a sense but I'm one of those people that are always thinking of the million and one things that I have to get done...procratinating or not. I'm not a worry wart...I was just brought up that way-you have to do what you have to do.

Dreaming Aloud

I had a dream last night. It was so realistic that still to this very minute I feel as though it might be a memory, or a glimpse intot he future. I was in a taxi on my way to my new home. The taxi mist have been going the long route to get more money out of me, but I didn't mind, the scenery was beautiful! The taxi pulled up to a complex that looked more like a shopping center. THe detail on the outside of the condo's were somewhat of a french/spanish design. The tenants of my building were happy to greet me as I stumbled out of the taxi loaded up with bags. A blond hugged me and took a bag, we were to be roommates i the three bedroom condo. We would have the upstairs to ourselves, bedroom, family room, bathroom. The kitchen we would have to share with the first floor. She introduced me to the first floor tenants, a single guy who I instantly fell in love with, and his sister-they had two bedrooms, family room and kitchen. Their father owned the condo, but they decided to make money for school by renting out the vacant upstairs. By the way I talked and interacted with my new roommates, I met them before, just maybe not in person. They helped me into my room and get a little settled before they told me to meet outside. As I got outside, I got completely bombarded with water balloons, what they call initiation into "the House." I instantly felt a part of their family. I grabbed the garden hose and chased them down before being tackled byt he boy downstairs. Later, after a quick shower and change, I went downstairs for dinner. The boy said a beautiful preayer before dinner and right then i knew this was going to be a beautiful begining to a new chapter in my life! i just thought it was a really cute dream. even if it doesn't come true..like most fairy tales, that's ok, i can live with that.

I AM

Graduation is not too far off. Along with graduation comes the "real world". I wouldn't say that i'm not ready for it, but I will say that I am glad I have some extra time to think about what kind of career I want to have more specifically. I just met with my advisor who informed me that I only have three quarters left. Three quarters, I can't beleive that. It doesn't sound that bad. So this time next year i'll be finishing up. It's kinda a scary, yet a very exciting thought. I'm taking a class called Individuals in Society and my teacher had us do the 20 questions quiz. You just write down 20 things that all start with "I am" and I have found it to be very theraputic!

1. i am an aunt of 4 nephews and 1 neice
2. I am beautiful inside and out
3. I am unique
4. i am black
5. i am 5' 3"
6. i am happy with my appearance most of the time
7. i am terrible with tests
8. i am poor at memorizing
9. i am a dreamer/ day dreamer
10. i am a writer
11. i am OCD/ADD self-diagnosed
12. i am my mother's daughter
13. i am creative
14. i am colorful
15. i am forgiving
16. i am a good student when i try
17. i am a dog lover
18. i am a talker
19. i am a listener
20. i am a laugher / smiler

Road Ahead

It's important to know where you're going, I realize, but even more important to remember where you came from. As every history teacher reminds us, history is important to know so we don't repeat the same mistakes. Like most people know but don't want to admit, most people will continue to make the same mistakes over and over until something pushes them to change. Not all mistakes are obvious, it could be a bad habit or lack of good habits. A "Top 25 random facts that people don't know about me " posting trend was going around on facebook. I finally caved in and decided to do it after many of my friends did it. After posting mine, i realized that a lot of my things were negative, but I think it's only because I feel as if I have a lot of secrets that I don't share with people. If something good happens to me, I let everyone know, but if something bad happens, or something that effects me deeply, only my very close friends know about that. What I want to do is
**Sorry I have to interrupt my journal to say speaking of mistakes, Michael Phelps got caught smoking weed and he got sooo busted for it. I'm not saying that he didn't deserve it because if he didn't get dropped by Kellogg or suspended than he would have never learned his lesson...but marijuana? haven't other athletes done much worse and got a slap on the hand? WOW***
Back to journaling. I am going to post my top 25 here and go more into dept. I think that will help people have a more understanding...for more or for worse. What I don't...DON'T want people to do is feel bad for me or feel like I'm doing this for attention because I know that EVERYONE has issues that they need to work out with themselves as well.
1. I want to travel the world - whether it be for international business travel, for my honeymoon, or just traveling, I would LOVE to go Greece, Italy, Australia, IRELAND!! anywhere really! I would love to backpack Europe...do it all!

2. I want to be a missionary and live selflessly in another country for a long period of time helping others - I've always had it in my heart to help those that are less fortunate. I think that it would be an amazing experience, and I know that I would learn a lot about myself.

3. I want to open a coffee shop bookstore that somehow channels into helping others - I don't really know how having a bookstore that sells coffee could help others, but I want to somehow. Maybe by holding a lot of fundraisers for inner-city single parents, or...oh i don't know but I know that I want to do something.

4. I'm scared of suffocating (drowning, being buried alive, etc.) - I was trapped in an elevator for 2 hours once. Ever since than, if I get in a really rickety elevator, or one with a lot of people in it, I become claustrophobic and feel like I might panic. It has happened to me a couple times in public and I just had to take deep breaths until the doors opened up. I usually take the stairs now.

5. I hate bugs, yet find them fascinating - really I hate bugs. I lived in this really old house last year and my bathroom was in the basement. I had to kill a huge silverfish centipede every single time I went to the restroom. Then my basement was infested with flies, don't ask me how. I hate bugs that are inside, and the ones that annoy you outside. I like watching them in detail on national geographic to learn about their habits.

6. I'm scared of growing old too fast - most of my friends make fun of me (in a loving way) laughing about how I am so anal about keeping my apartment clean, or how I listen to classic music, dress mostly conservative...those types of things.

7. I am the most indecisive person, yet I seem to be the one making all the decisions in groups of people. When it comes to making decisions about myself, what I want to do as a career, if I should apply for this job, if I should apply for an international program, etc. For some reason, whenever I am in a group, in class or with friends, or even with my boyfriend, I always seem to make the decisions. I don't know why, but there is something very ironic about an indecisive leader.

8. I love being scared, as long as I know it's not real. I love going through haunted houses, or seeing scary movies. what i don't like is when my boyfriend scares me by hiding and grabbing me. NOT cool! or murder movies or movies about 666...once again, NOT cool!!

9. I harbor my feelings if I think they might effect others, or my friendships/ relationships with others. If someone is annoying me, or upsetting me, most of the time i don't say anything. the only time i will say anything is if they have completely made me angry beyond reasoning, and even then I don't let them know the extent of it. If someone makes me sad, I will cry in privacy. I just don't like letting people know when they bother me, even if it means hurting me. I feel vulnerable and it's just an uncomfortable situation. I rather avoid it that confront it.

10. I was born in Orange County, California and I wish I could live there every summer. Although Cali is beautiful I couldn't imagine living there all the time. The traffic is what makes it not worth it...unless you live in Northern Cali, than its kind of chili! I was born in the sun(not literally) and i love the sun beaming on my face, just makes me smile. That's what makes me so happy...along with many other things

11. I had my childhood in Atlanta, Georgia and wonder how my life would have turned out if I never moved. Although I value many relationships I have here in Ohio. Ever since I moved to Ohio, I don't really have any great memories other than my 4th grade experience...great times!! and middle school bff's!! other than that…high school i could have skipped and college has been a really exciting time.

12. I hate crying in front of people, I have anger management issues and even talked to a psychologist for a month to talk about it. - I hate crying in front of people because I always thing of those chick flick comedies where the girl is sobbing and trying to say what is wrong but nobody can understand her. haha. On the real though I really like to think that I'm stronger than I am. I am really strong during really hard times, but I cry at really stupid times like when I'm sick, or when I'm stressed and upset. My anger management ties in with crying because I cry when I'm really angry. I don't get angry very often or very easily, but when I do I start to cry because I feel so filled with anger and I don't know what to do with it and I don't like it. It's not like a "I'm so mad" angry, it's a "I'm so filled with rage I feel like the hulk" kind of anger. I asked my parents for a punching bag for Christmas when I was 16 because I love hitting thing when I'm upset. I had a lot of anger in high school, I mean A LOT!!

13. Although I'm very outgoing, I'm an introvert in secret. I hate letting my feelings show through. - As I mentioned earlier, I don't like letting people that they're bothering me, I don't like crying in front of others, and I don't know how to channel my anger.

14. I think I have an insecurity about relationships. I feel left out almost on a daily basis, alone and unimportant, even when surrounded by friends. It's a daily process to work on those insecurities. I mostly depend on my family. - I had the best friends a girl could ever have in middle school. In high school we got split up and kind of went our separate ways. They're still my friends, but not like it used to be. I didn't find friends like that again until my senior year in high school. We got split up when we went to college. Although they're still be my best friends, the people that I called friends in-between my real friends were nothing but disappointments and failures. Most of the time I thought it was my fault. Between the drama and relationships, I didn't know where I fit in, and it's taken me this long to work through those insecurities because of it, and I'm still working through them. For an example, I'll meet someone, and feel as if we've completely hit it off, so I try to keep the friendship going until I realize that I'm the only one working at it. It's probably happened to me over 50 times. I know a lot of people because I'm a friendly person, but at times it seems like everyone has enough friends to be bothered with me. It's not like they don't like me, they just don't have time with me and that's something that I've had to deal with my whole life. I didn't grow up in Ohio so I don't have best friends since kindergarten. The friends that I do have from 4th grade are still amazing people, but our lives have taken us down different paths and it's hard to make new friends where I am now.

15. People are always surprised by #14 because they say I'm "so friendly and there is no reason why people shouldn't like me". It's not making friends that is the problem, it's keeping them. See the above "novel" haha.

16. I have a reluctance to go to church because I don't feel like I belong, except at my home church in Columbus. When I walk into a church, I want to feel welcomed and it feel like home. Not like some foreign place that I don't feel comfortable at or "feel good enough for".

17. I used to try so hard to have Christian friends, but they were so fake and hypocritical it didn't last long. The mentors that I had were all too busy for me, so I stopped trying to have Christian/accountability friends altogether. - When I moved to Ohio, I had to re-learn everything. I was only 10 so it wasn't too terribly difficult to go to a new school. The worst part was finding a new church. I don't remember how long it took us to find Heritage (my current hoe church) but when we finally did, it just so happened that all the kids my age were boys. I ended up hanging out with the younger girls because the older girls went into middle school and were "too mature" for me. Most of the girls my age and younger were home-schooled. I always felt like I was corrupting them, but the truth is that they were so sheltered they weren't aware of the 'real world' and so my knowledge made me feel like the bad girl. As we got older, things just got worse, more distant. My parents started to notice all of my friends were from school, not so many in the church. They set me up with three mentors, at least that I can remember. All of them which lasted no longer than a couple weeks or so. I'm not blaming them, it's not their fault, but do you know what if feels like to be abandoned? That something or someone is more important than you? Especially when you didn't want to do something at first, than you accepted only for it to be thrown back in your face. My first mentor had family issues and had to put more attention into her family. My second and third left to plan their weddings. It shattered me, I felt lost, forgotten, that God didn't care enough to put someone in my life that could help me and guide me. Ever since than I haven't been very good about pushing myself to go to church unless I'm at home with my parents.

18. I have a passion for so many things, it's hard to decide what I really want to do with my life. In high school I applied to three different schools for three different majors. I felt as though I couldn't decide on my major, so whatever college I ended up going to, that would be my major. I applied to Hampton University for architecture, Spelman for Liberal Arts, University of Cincinnati for Psychology, and Art Institute of Atlanta for Design. I didn't expect to be accepted into all but one, Spelman. I chickened out and decided to go to Cincinnati because it was closer to home, and I fell in love with the campus. I know now that I had so many opportunities that I didn't take and I think a lot about how any one of those schools could have changed my life and where I would be now. If I could go back and change anything, I would still be in Cincinnati, but in art instead. I don't think that it's too late for me to go into art, but it's too late for me to go into art at UC. When I was at the Art Institute of Atlanta, that was my number one pick. I don't remember now what made me change my mind, but I do remember asking them if they had an Institute in Ohio, and their answer was no, that the closest one was in Pennsylvania. Two years into school at UC, I discovered the Art Institute of Cincinnati, the SAME institution in Atlanta. It's not too late to go to art school, it's just not the right time.

19. I'm going to write a fictional novel someday about all my experiences in life. As I mentioned earlier, In middle school I had the best friends ever! We used to write short stories and combine them and/or share them with one another. I love writing and I always have and I plan to write a fiction about a young girl going through hardships, based on a lot of the same experiences I have had.

20. I'm a huge procrastinator, but I seem to function better under pressure. Just as it says. I procrastinate so much that sometimes I loose time as if I blacked out. Sometimes I don't even have a clue to what time it is, I could be two or three hours off. I'm working at it, but lately I have found that because I have a better understanding of the things that I must get done throughout the day, I have developed insomnia. I have been getting between 4-5 hours of sleep a night, 6 at the most, with out any naps or resting during the day. I know that lack of sleep can effect your memory and concentration. I have been working on it lately.

21. I was depressed through most of high school because I didn't know who I was or where I belonged. Race had a lot to do with it unfortunately. High school became the first experience for me with large diversity. I have experienced diversity, a lot more than others, but not to where I am thrown into a daily society of different cultures. This caused me to question myself and who I was. I got into the wrong relationship, and became friends with people that I wouldn't normally be friends with. This was a good and bad thing because I am still to this day friends with some of them, and I learned to stand up for myself through theses experiences. The bad part about it was that I didn't know who I was for a while. The black kids at school said that I wasn't "black" enough and the white kids at school said I was "too black" or "ghetto". This effected my relationships with girls. I know now what I didn't know then, that black girls were a lot of times intimidated by light skin women because they were "more desirable" by men. I could go on forever but to sum it all up, it took all four years of high school, of loosing friends, bad relationships, being teased, not feeling as though I belonged, being taken advantage, and other things that made me feel worthless, not wanted and forgotten about. The more you isolate yourself, the worse it will make things. If I learned anything its that I have to pick myself up and keep trying because nobody is going to do it for me.

22. I've had my heart broken twice before I turned 20, another reason why I was lost in high school and freshman year of college. - I don't care what anyone says, love targets no age. People have been in love at a young age, and than as they get older they realize they weren't really in love. 5 years after my first serious boyfriends I can still say that I was really truly in love. If he didn't turn into someone completely different than the person I fell in love with, I don't know where I would be now, but thank God that He took me out of that situation. Love is real, love hurts, but it certainly is something you can really learn about yourself though.

23. I've experienced first hand that God is all powerful and can heal any hurt and get you back on your feet if you just believe in him and ask for his grace. - Through everything that I wrote about, you can see that God was really working in my life to keep me going and not down the wrong road.

24. Every day I get to know myself more and more and become happier than I've been since I was a kid.

25. I have just recently been experiencing the love from others, and realized that relationships (both past and present) are there for a reason and you shouldn't quit on those that care about you. - I have been reconnecting with people that I haven't talked to for years because if you have hatred or regrets in your heart, it's a burden and it effects the current relationships that you have now with people, even if you don't realize it. It might cause you to have set backs, or it might cause you to hold back from being yourself because of past experiences with friends. I am learning to let go of those bad memories I have with old friends, even if I don't continue to be friends with them, but in some cases I am rekindling friendships and I'm glad that I am.