A letter to my sister

I don't understand how you're supposed to make a decision that changes your whole life. What are you supposed to base those decisions on? How do I konw i'm not being selfish. You know when somebody tells you "he's not good enough for you," what does that mean anyway? I know nobody in my family is discriminating by color or class when they say that, so what, because he's catholic makes it a good reason not to date/marry him? Believe me when I say if somebody told me five years ago that I was going to marry him, I wouldn't have believed them. Not saying I believe it now, but it wouldn't be a shocker. I'm only 22 but I can say i've been in love three times already, and my heart broken two times too many. Sometimes i feel like I grew up too fast, but I was always that way. So full of passion, so much I didn't know what to do with it. I guess after middle school, the only person I felt I could relate to was my grandmother; either because we're so much alike, or because she was the only one willing to be that open with me. I'm not going ot lie, I alwYs felt like the bad apple in the family, the one that makes all the mistakes. I've pretty much accepted it to the point where I don't care anymore; not that I want to be the bad apple, it's just something that is. I know I'm stubburn and independent, but I still feel as though I have a positive influence on those in my life. Do I make bad choices? Of course I do, but I learn from them and keep moving. Now that I'm in college I feel as though Mom and Dad have accapted, or I should say have tolerated me. Sometimes Dad says somethings that make me think he ignores some of the things that I do, like he's not seeing all of me, just part of me. But other times he will act like i've gone completely mad and I'm turning into this alcoholic because I may drink every now and again. Mom on the other hand doesn't mind when I tell her if i've had a drink or two. Sometimes entertaining the idea, almost as if she's living her college experience through me, and than turn around and use it against me telling me I make bad decisions. Don't get me wrong, I know Mom and Dad aren't perfect. In fact I look up to the both of them and love and admire them dearly, but seriously? I think that they may be getting moody in their old age.

Now to the real topic. Am I wrong to think that Mom somewhat is being young again through me? Like the whole tattoo thing? I love it, I really do. Sometimes I feel as if she gets really judgemental. Like with Brandon, she's still mad about that and I feel I need to just get her to talk about what she's really thinking, and how she really feels about him in order for her to get over it. Otherwise i'm going to be subject to random, harsh lecturing from her from now on. I guess now is the time to tell you i'm not asking for friendly advice. I'm asking for the cold, hard truth. This may be harsh but I don't want to end up like some people that I feel aren't happy in their relationship, but I hope they are. I am asking: Would it be so bad or wrong if I did marry Brandon? Apparently I should know if I want to marry him by now so I odn't waste anymore of his or my time. I don't know, I'm not sure what it's suppose to feel like and sometimes I feel like I couldn't meet anyone that will love me more or treat me better than Brandon. He's the nicest, most trustworthy and honest, ginuine guy I have ever met in my life and that's not something I'm willing to just give up just because Mom says he's catholic and I should. I need something better than that and even worse, I need more than that to say that I want to marry him too. If someone were to ask me if I was settling, the answer would be no. I don't think that I could do better...I could do different, but not better.

I know you're probably thinking to yourself that I haven't even mentioned God or my relationship with Him throughout this whole venting process. Don't worry, He's here. Not as much of my life as I want unfortunately but I'm working on it. I've been having difficulty getting connected and when I try, I get discouraged. But nevertheless, He's in my life, just mostly at a personal level at this point.

So I guess my plea is this. Harsh, cold advice. I know that sometimes the truth hurts, but it takes more love and appreciation to tell someone you deeply care about the truth, than a lie.

never underestimate your mother, she will shoot you in the heart

The whole point of me being single was to catch my breath, look around and see what my life was all about. I didn't have time to be in a relationship when i didn't know who i was, or worse, wasn't happy with who i was. I knew i had to be more responsible, take more initiative towards my life and my future, my goals, my happiness. Here I am back in a relationship that frankly, I am very happy with. Its not taking up too much of my time, and I feel as if i'm getting done what I need to, or atleast its not the relationship that might be holding me back or distracting me. For once i actually feel accomplished. That for once I know what I'm doing and I know exactly what I need to improve on and what I am good at. I know where I am and I know where I want to go. Don't get me wrong, I don't have it all figured out, as a matter of fact I have no idea if what i'm doing is going to work or if my plans will work out the way i want them to. The good thing is that I'm happy with it. I'm happy with the way things are going and i'm happy with the way i respond to stress...i'm just happy and stressed and frustrated and motivated, but happy. For once i don't feel like this pointless ugly ducky floating in a sea of swans. okay maybe that didn't make so much sense.
Anyhow, my mother just blasted me this morning. I had a great 12 hours with my family, and on my way home she gives me this phone call that basically shot me. "you need to think about what you're doing heather. by getting back with brandon you're basically leading him on to think that you're going to marry you because you know he wants to marry you." thats what she said to me. The whole point of breaking up and getting back together was to have a new begining. I had no clue how to respond to that. so i just told her okay, i'll think about it. I don't want to get married, i can barely think past this week. I'm not quite sure what she expects from me. if she thinks i'm making all the wrong decisions than she needs to just up front tell me instead of insulting sideways like that. Great, just great. the rest of my week is going to be hell. i can tell already because ontop of all of that my best girl friend is mad at me because i am canceling our plans for this coming up weekend due to mothers day coming up. The only person i have left to talk about this is Brandon. I can't talk to him about this because its about him, and its something my mom said. I guess i'll just have to pray that God can get me through this week.

alone again

I don't want to be one of those people that are constantly in a relationship. It doesn't matter if I tell myself that I need to be single, need to be alone...I still put myself in situations or become better friends with certain people that I know could be prospect boyfriends, why do I do that? A boyfriend is the last thing that I am thinking about, and is definately the very last thing I have time for, or the patience for. For whatever reason I feel as though I should be close to someone...yet I don't want a boyfriend. I don't know how to distinguish those feelings I guess. This journal is pointless....goodnight.

My favorite most daring Haircut EVER!!

So I know it might be a little hard to tell from this picture, but that's me on the left...not a guy. I cut all my long locks off the day after high school reunion, I guess I felt like it was some sort of liberation. Once again, you can't really tell from the picture,but this is the only picture I have of me when my hair was that short, but it was actually quite cute in reality. Wow, this picture brings back a lot of old memories....The picture below was a little while later after my hair was growing back, it was kinda of a nice length, but my hair was growing so fast, there was no way I was going to try to keep up with the maintanence to keep it short, nor did I have the money for a haircut every 3 weeks...

no time for reminiscing now, must get to sleep. I just got done with my last final of the quarter and I pulled an all nighter on Monday night, and than again on Wednesday night...so pretty much, my body is sooo over exhausted that I don't even feel tired...I know I'm going to feel it at my 8 AM hair appointment.

ta ta for now...

Bad Hair Cuts

So I was talking to my friends about really bad hair cuts, and I starting thinking of all the horrible hair cuts I've ever had, and I would have to say that This was the absolute worst one, especially considering the fact that I tried to trim my own hair and layer it around the front, and messed it up so bad that my hairdressor basically had to cut me bangs. It was horrible...as you can see!! Always good for some good laughs, after the fact of course!!

To You

I've never felt like this before. Feeling every emotion at once is a real experience that I didn't think would ever be possible. I feel angry, confused, upset, free, independent, scared, alone, blessed....all of the above. I don't think i've ever made a life decision that would change my life this much...or maybe it won't change my life as much as i'm expecting. It brings so many possibilities...so many different roads and doors to my life that were previously covered in cobwebs. Don't get me wrong...its not all good by any means. I lost my best friend. The person that has been closest to my heart for all of my college years; the person that I could always rely on to come through, the person that I knew would never let me down, for the most part. But there was something missing. Something wasn't there that I knew all along should be. I couldn't deceive him into thinking that I was the person for him, there someone out there that is much better, someone that will love him just as much as he loves them. Someone that has the same views and goals, someone that will make him that happiest man on earth, happier than he thought anyone could ever make him, happier than he was with me. I know it doesn't seem that way now, but one day he will meet her and understand what i've been trying to tell/show him all along. Things don't always go the way that you want them or expect them to go, but "God blessed the broken road..." and He will lead him to her. I beleive that God puts people in my live for a certain reason, every single person that touches my life has their purpose and I know that you are by far the most important so far with the most impact. You've taught me so much, about life, and about myself that I would have never known if it wasn't for you. I wish that, well with all that it's worth I wish we could still be best friends, but we both know that can't happen. Maybe if we met at a different time in our lives things would be different? Maybe we would be bestfriends then. There is one thing that I do know, I don't regret the time that we spent together, getting to know one another, learning from one another, growing into adults together. That is something I wouldn't change for the world.

Living my nightmare and dreaming my life

Today has been anything but okay. It has been hectic, surprising, devastating, lonely and depressing...one after the other, not quite that order but good enough. I woke up this morning with a sore...face? haha, well my ear and glands in my throat have been swollen for the past 2 days, so i decided to take my mother up on her advice and go to the Dr. before it got worse, so I wasn't sick on exam week...AGAIN. After waiting for over an hour I finally got in to see the Dr. only to find out that it wasn't an ear infection, but TMJ...which is like Jaw muscle tendenitis due to stress and such. Surprised about the TMJ? No, my mother has it. Surprised about the anxiety and stress? very much so. I'm not one to slow down and realize, hey I have all of this stress in my life and it might effect my health. Sure I complain about bills and work and I go out on the weekend to vent to my friends over a couple of drinks, but to be so stressed that it is effecting my health? I was very surprised about that. My Dr. began to ask me a series of questions such as my relationship with my boyfriend, school, work, bills, and my sleeping habits. Surprisingly...yet not so surprised at the same time, he pretty much told me that I am doing way too much, more than I can handle and it's starting to show. The reason I never noticed it before was because I like to stay busy...i'm used to having things to do. Now, i'm starting to not be able to sleep. I don't have problems sleeping, I have problems falling asleep, and once i'm asleep, I haven't been waking up. This is causing me to miss class, to be late to work, all sorts of things that I need to be doing that i'm missing. Not only that, but then I wake up tired, have no energy throughout the day, but can't seem to fall asleep the next night. It's a vicious cycle I must say. So my Dr. recommends staying with the boyfriend until exam week is over...i can't say that i disagree with that. Then he went on to say that i'm trying to juggle way to much and i should try to minimize that. Not like i really have a choice. So after my dr. appointment, i went to the labcorp clinic to do bloodwork, regular precedure....but i had to fast for 12 hours for it so i was completely exhausted today. on my way home i decided to have chipotle because I was so hungry and i haven't had it in a while. It was so good! I ended up falling asleep around 5 and didn't get up til 9. Missed another class ( i missed my morning class because i didn't get up to my alarm). I feel like i'm being completely irresponsible, but at the same time I feel like I could have a complete break down at anytime now. When I woke up, i had a couple of missed calls and called my sister back. Worst news possible...my cousin passed away today. She had internal bleeding which led to an emergency c-section and slipped into a coma. The baby is okay, but my cousin passed in her coma. I mean...what do you say to that? She left behind a newborn baby, husband, and a 14 year old daughter. As a beleiver.....I don't even know what to think about that. I mean that family has had sooo much to deal with already and it's like if everything is supposed to happen for a reason...when does the good stuff start happening. Well what I didn't mention earlier is that my Dr. prescribed me a sleeping pill and anxiety pill. I don't like medicine, especially when you don't need it, unless its a last resort kind of thing. after i heard that news about my cousin, I talked to Elvia, her sister, and it just broke my heart. I mean I couldn't imagine what it must be like to be in her shoes. And of course i'm so bad in those situations, I have no idea what to say. well anyway i didn't think that I would take it that hard...maybe it's just adding the the rest of my stress in my life. So I decided to take a half pill of the anxiety. Maybe it will help maybe it won't. I just hope I'm making the right decision. All I have to say is this isn't going to get any easier day by day...that's what i'm afraid of. I mean people can say "you need a vacation" all you want. But until this quarter is over, until i'm graduated and until my loans are payed off...there is something that always needs to be done and there is always something that can't wait...no matter how long I try to put it off there is no way that I can put it out of my mind. "out of sight out of mind" right? wrong. I guess it could be true in a sense but I'm one of those people that are always thinking of the million and one things that I have to get done...procratinating or not. I'm not a worry wart...I was just brought up that way-you have to do what you have to do.