Being Beautiful

I have been going back and forth between going natural for my hair, or continue to get relaxers. It has been almost over a year since I had my last relaxer and my hair is extremely hard to manage. It is surprisingly more curly then I remember, but the tiny tight curls, not the big curls that I want...which brings me to the problem of not liking my hair unless it's straight. I think I want to put off getting a relaxer until the summer and keep my hair healthy...who knows, I might learn to love my hair...

Anyway. Today was an interesting day. Wore my hair curly and wished everyone happy valentines day while missing my baby...yet I still felt wonderful...it was just a great day. Then I got home late and the stars were out, I don't think I've looked at the stars since the summer. They were absolutely beautiful. Everything is beautiful today, the sun was out, I went shopping, I dressed up to go out, etc etc.

Point is I think it is important no matter how lonely or bad of a day you're having, to look around and be thankful for what is good. It's very easy to forget the little things, and those matter, they really matter.

Learning to Rely on HIM

Not much has changed since I last wrote. I am still managing the food and beverage sector at the hotel. I am starting to get into the daily grind of either being busy or bored. I don't really mind, it's just that I'm either just hanging out around work until I get paperwork or have cleaning or setting up to do, or i'm stressed and ready to pull my hair out because i'm supposedly supposed to have everything I just received in my mailbox done by the end of the day. I see why people become work-a-holics. It's almost as if I rather be at work everyday so I don't get backed up with work from my day off. I guess that's why people normally dread Monday's, but in my case, it might be a Monday, or a Tuesday, or even a Wednesday.

Anyway. What I find most interesting about work is that I took this job terrified that I was going to hate it, or be horrible at it...but the truth is I like it, and I'm not horrible at it at all, I think I might even be good at it. But I took the job only because I saw it as an outlet, as a stepping stone to get where I want to be, to get to a job that I LOVE. I have come to find out that this might be a dead-end. Sure, I work for a very large company and it shouldn't be hard for me to transfer at all, but I can't just transfer within a 30 min radius for a better job..those don't just open up everyday. I find that I don't have any freedom, I don't have any say to what I want or what I think is best. I am not aloud to have any weekends off, any Sundays off to go to church because I am "on the bottom of the totem poll" as my General Manager said. I think about that everyday, and as much as that might be true and fair, is any job really worth sacrificing every Sunday morning at church, all of your time with your family and friends on the weekends? In one hand, I could start looking for another job, a 9-5 Monday through Friday job that will allow me the weekends to spend that time with my church and friends and family. But will I like it, will I be happy with a job like that? In the other hand, I haven't had a job for more than 6 months in the past year. Do people see that as a bad thing, or is that the norm now because we are taught to follow our dreams and aspirations and reach for the stars? That is the question that has been in my mind for the past 2 weeks. On top of that, I am so busy and stressed with the wedding planning that I don't even have the time or energy to job search right now anyway. I think that it would be a good idea to just stick with my current job until the wedding is over and who knows, maybe a city relocation might be in the near future anyway.

Johnny has been in Indiana working at his co-op for the past three weeks. He has been coming home every weekend so far, so at least I get to see him then, so I know I shouldn't be complaining, but it's hard. I have been telling myself every single day for the past 2 weeks that this is easy, this is nothing. We started dating when I lived in Cincinnati, so we were used to a long distance relationship...but this is different. We're both working full time, sometimes on the same schedule, but not always, but I don't usually have any contact with him until the evening and if something is going on all I get is a goodnight phone call. No blame here, this is life and I keep telling myself that it's not his fault, we have to be responsible adults and get our beauty sleep and workout, and do everything it is we have to do. Besides, this is nothing because after we get married he's not moving for 3 months again, it's going to be 6 months. So why am I so emotional? I've been spoiled for being able to have my best friend and my love with me every single day for the past 6 months that I feel like he is so far away and its hard going through everyday without my best friend. So I've been praying, reading, listening to worship music...trying to get closer to God while I have this time alone. And I think that's what God wants me to do. I hate being alone and I get so frustrated when all I have is my parents to come home to everyday who criticize the crap out of me daily. So maybe God is just telling me that he gave me an amazing person, but I can't rely 100% on that person, but on God. I keep going back to our marriage counseling class, and realizing that when we are together, and we have an argument or one of us goes away on a business trip or even on an everyday basis, we can't rely on each other because no matter how hard we try, we're not perfect and we will fail each other. That's when we rely on God. So in this lonely and emotional time, I need to spend time with God and rely and focus on him. This time alone is not supposed to be sad and lonely, but a blessing that I get to focus more on God and our time to grow together.

I am so blessed to have so many relationships to look up to. My parents, my sister and brother, johnny's parents and his sister, and many of friends around us. God has been a huge blessing in all of our lives and I thank him for that.

A Short Moment of Rest, a moment at least

Well. As I said on fb this morning, to be home a little after 12 noon and to have just finished a 6 hour shift is very...interesting. I am amazed at where I am today. I would have never thought that I would take a job that requires me to get up at 4 am and work anywhere from a 6 to 10 hour shift, depending on how much I have to get done that day...and eating when and where I can of course. As the Food and beverage manager, I am responsible for food orders/inventory 2 times a week, then have to be there for receiving 2 more times a week. Then theres the normal stuff, managing, scheduling for my staff due every thursday, Buffet every morning 6:30a-9:00a, Social hour every Mon. tues. and wed. from 6:30p-7:00p. and so so much more. Basically when I get into work I make sure my staff is getting everything prepared, then I sit at my desk and drink herbal tea(trying to stay off the caffeine so i'm not addicted again), try to wake up then start on e-mails and my "to-do list". haha to say the least...I love it so far. I don't have time to do anything except right after work so I don't hit rush hour traffic, but then by night time i'm not tired...so I haven't gotten down the whole going to bed early schedule. soon, soon.

On a side note I hope I get a promotion soon or something so I can start going to church again...i really do miss it :(

Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday. Miss you and love you all!

Promotion

I was offered a job that is a step up higher than my current job, and I accepted it knowing I was literally signing every ounce of free-time away. When I applied for the job, it was kind of just because. Just because I wanted to know if I would get the job. Just because.. if I actually got the job I wanted to know if I could actually do it. My new job, as of Saturday, is the Gatehouse Keeper aka Food and Beverage Supervisor. I will be in charge of four employees, a daily breakfast buffet, and a week night happy hour. You're probably asking yourself the same question I am...When do I not work? Good question. It's very low pay, hourly, and not sure if I can receive overtime or not. With all of that being said, I have had less than 24 hours to think about it, but have had time to sleep on it. I am going to see where this leads me. As of right now this is the only way to move up, it's my only outlet right now. Maybe after I learn this side of things, other outlets will open up for me. Besides it will teach me how to be a better leader and I will have much more experience on how to run the food and beverage side of event planning. I'm going to walk into work with a smile and tell myself that this is my dream job. haha, we'll see how that works!

Wedding Plans and Christmas Parties

Between my family dinner this weekend, Class reunion of 05 next Friday, and my Cousins Christmas Party next Saturday, and the Holidays, I have my actual life to keep together.

So excited I got my dress this past weekend. I have found that the wedding is all I can think about. It's like until I find a location and thus have a wedding date, I won't be able to answer everyone's questions of "when is the wedding." It doesn't help that holidays=parties=more people asking about the wedding. I fell like it's crunch time, and it's really not...or maybe I'm just on a roll and I feel like that now I found my dress...that I should keep it going and I'll maybe find my venue and bridesmaid dresses as well. Then after those two things are done I can pretty much relax until a few months before the wedding....or at least spread it all out so I can finally stop freaking out about everything.

And then there's the other thing. My fiance accepted a co-op a couple hours away for a really good company. And I am so excited for him...as I should be, it's an amazing opportunity that I would never want him to miss out on. We've been through the long distance relationship...we can do that no problem (no doubt it sucks...but it's definitely worth it). With that being said; do you know how hard it is to know he'll be moving away in a month and I'm not even spending every day with him. Not that I'm trying to justify my reasons but I practically debate moving in until he moves so we could at least spend this last month together. I know I'm exaggerating and being totally over emotional on this yet I know when he leaves I'm going to wish I did spend more time with him.

My job. Oh my job. I don't get nearly enough hours, and despite the fact that I love it, I definitely can't keep doing it. If I did work full time, I would never get to see my family, never have enough time for my friends...and I'm still on the bottom of the totem poll. If I saw this as an outlet to move up to where I really want to work (in which I originally did...) Then I would stick to it, but this is just taking too long. Basically there is no real way for me to move up other than applying to different locations and trying different jobs. It's a slow, hard way to move up. Not what I thought it would be. Ughhh the grueling task of applying and applying and applying for jobs. Never know what you might like except for trial and error eh?! Onto the next career choice. All doing it with a smile because in the end I can't complain...Life is a Blessing from God.

Quick Update on my Oh so Crazyness

So I got engaged in May...right before my birthday, to one of my friends from high school. When we started dating in December everything happened so fast, it was like it had always been that way. My friend soon became my best friend and I have never had someone make me feel like such a wholesome person. Yea he makes me feel good about myself, but most important he's like that one person in my life that supports me and my dreams and respects me as an individual, not just his "other half". Honestly I never thought that existed, I thought when I got married I would come to the crossroads of "this is who I used to be" and "this is who I'm going to be". But I was wrong, I can be a wife, friend, and one day a mother without losing my identity, without compromising my dreams. When we announced our engagement, no doubt everyone was going to be surprised. I didn't exactly tell everyone that I was madly in love...I was too worried that I would be criticized for falling in love so soon. what I was really surprised about was that I was questioned about whether or not I was settling. I never would have believed that I would ever be the type to settle. Of course, not everyone had the chance to get to know my fiance, true, but they know me...right? Maybe I looked at it all wrong, and I just didn't give them a warning. Anyway...all is good. Everyone is excited for us and I am beginning the wedding plans....from Cincinnati. It's complicated but not impossible. Well we don't have a date yet so there is not serious rush, but if I learned anything from all the magazines and websites I've been reading, planning takes so much time and work that I need to give myself at least a year. I don't want to wait that long, so I am trying everything I can to get going without losing focus on my schoolwork and job hunt (in Cinci and Cbus)! Anyway...engagement isn't what I expected, it's definitely so much better! He is the most amazing match for me ever I couldn't ask for more!

As far as school goes, I graduated in June. Yay...sort of. I have another class I have to take and instead of proceeding with wedding plans and job searching, i'm stuck here for another 3 months for this one little class. Don't get me wrong, I love Cincinnati so much, it's gorgeous and has so much to offer, and my friends here...well most of them are scattered about the country now...but it's so hard to just try to go out and enjoy the summer when I have so much to do.

So what now? Oh there's finishing my last class, job hunting in cinci, job hunting in cbus, wedding planning....oh and the everyday things like bills and looking for someone to sublet my cincinnati apartment September-December. Oh and I have to squeeze High school reunion in there somewhere....ahhhh. :) all in good fun....ish.

Never Knew...

So I learned something knew about myself of this crazy trip. While pursuing my dreams...I got homesick. I don't get homesick. Yea I love my family, my parents, my friends...but I'm usually okay. If I feel like I want to go home, I just reassure myself that I'll get to see everyone again soon, and I'm here for a reason, so just make the best of it. I don't know what's different this time.

Is it because I'm only here for ten days and I know that I'm going to be back home soon but not soon enough.
Or because I know that I'm going to wake up on my birthday and be somewhere completely foreign to me?
Maybe it's the fact that I am completely 100% out of my element. I am staying with my godparents, but really...it's like a bed and breakfast. Although I do enjoy the conversations and we had a little girls night with dinner and a movie, it was fun but it's not home.
Is it the fact that I'm recently engaged and all I can think about lately is wanting to start this wedding planning and premarriage counseling? Because I know that until I do that, I can't get the ball rolling. Did dating and getting engaged to this amazing person make a home that is more emotional than physical and I am missing it that much? We are used to a long distance relationship, that's the way it's been, nothing different. I think it must be a combination of everything. Me being nervous about pursing my dreams and missing everyone, wishing I could just drive over to my parents house and talk to them about everything. I don't even have time to really talk to anyone on the phone...it's just not the same.

I just hope this doesn't hinder my plans of coming back for the summer. I would hate to not come back because I'm homesick. I had a tough day today, I'll just try again tomorrow. God will give me the strength to do what I came here for.