lately

so lately i've been so stressed, so busy that I really honestly don't remember to breath at times. I know i do it to myself. I like to stay busy, especially when i'm trying to avoid things. but busy and stressed are not always the same things. The staying busy part was intentional, having multiple jobs, doing homework and studying and driving around. but the being broke, maybe having to sue my past landlord, dealing with an ex that frickin threatened me tonight...these are not things that i asked for. things that not only do i not need, i don't know if i can handle them right now. I literally feel pathetic lately. I try so so hard at so many things. and so many things come crashing down on me. Now that i'm single, i know that i have to do this alone. but that's what friends are suppose to be for right? to be there for each other? Don't get me wrong i have some amazing friends...but what do you do when you're all alone crying in the middle of the day because you don't feel like you can take it anymore. only to wipe those tears away and take a deep breath because you know you have to leave for work.

or what if...its late at night and you try to go have fun, but it crumbles right from underneath you. you try to call someone, you try to reach out...but there is nobody there.

what then? so here i am, back to where i get so often. so scared to trust others. so scared to actually take down my walls to trust others to be there for me. especially now when i am no longer with the person that was there for me the last four years. Ya i know, i could turn to God, but he knows that i need someone there physically...someone to hug, someone to tell me it's going to be okay...

people who have that are so fortunate and take that for granted at times i think. unfortunately the people in my life that i think would take the time out of their busy schedule to listen to me...i haven't even known them that long. I hate crying in front of people i know so well, including my own mother, so why would i in front of someone i barely knew??

does anyone else run into this? just wondering. I used to think that something was wrong with me. some reason why i feel like nobody is ever there for me...but i've come to the conclusion that its a series of unfortunate events. I am usually a very strong person. Very happy, motivated, mostly, joyous and encouraging person. not lately. Lately I need someone to be that for me.

what do ya do?!